2019

I still remember i cried while going back from work in the shuttle bus. I cried because I can't stand anymore doing the job that I don't like. Everyday, when I wake up, I tell myself than weekend is near and I still need to go to work, because I need to pay for my own bills. 

2018 I become worse, there was a time I begged my parents and asked them " Can I quit my job?".
My mum was so worried, while my dad asked me to become stronger.

I remember coming back from work, sitting in front of my computer for hours for job searching.
I scrolled and sent as many emails as I can to get a new job.

Finally, in December 2018, I got an interview with international bank.  I was so excited, I did my happy dance. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to change my job , and my answer didn't really impressed her. I was so nervous and I kept telling myself that I have failed the interview. Finally, I get my answer. My hunch is correct, I didn't get the job.

I feel so bad, like why it is so hard for me to get a new job. I feel depressed and unhappy. Thankfully, after my trip to Jakarta, I feel alive and can be happy again.  Live is hard in Jakarta, they need to hustle to get a food on their table, I saw someone walking without shoes pushing his selling cart on a busy road. I feel bad because I spend so much on my lunch, where there was someone struggling to find money on the streets and cannot afford to buy a pair of shoes. I cried so hard that night.
That moments, makes me realise something. No matter how shitty I feel about myself, there is someone out there struggling to find money to eat. 

*********************************************************************************
2019 One day in January, I get an interview invitation. I feel happy, and I tell myself, I think this time I will get this job, I went for the interview and they accept me right away! I was so happy, I feel  I am floating while going back home.

I tell my parents that I get a new job, and shockingly they didn't fee happy for my new job. I was devastated. I really want a new job and they didn't approve me. I was angry and confused, They said that the job doesn't suit me and requires travelling.

In the end, I think what is the best for me. I should just go and accept this new job, because I believe that I can do this job well. I shouldn't stay at my old job anymore, it irks me alot and I need a new environment.

I hope I can be happy with my new job and my life. I am so scared if  I ever had a deep thoughts again. I am blessed that I am still live until today. I love myself even more and I hope people will treat me better. I may look cold hearted , like I don't care person, but deep inside, I feel hurt too. 

*********************************************************************************
I want to travel again, and keep  making memories. 

-A-

20190318